Sometimes being barren SUCKS!

So it is about that time in my life that most of the women I know are having children while I sit on the sidelines jealous.  I know we live in an unfair world, yada yada yada... but sometimes I just want to cry and yell "It is not fair!"  I feel bad for distancing myself from my friends with children, but honestly I just don't want to start crying in front of their kids.  It usually happens when I get happy around kids that I cry so I have to keep my guard up.  I put up a barrier because I have to.

When people hear about my CAIS they usually try and tell me the hassles of having children which believe me I know, I was a nanny for years and have been working with children for the past 13 years, but I still can not shake the feeling of jealousy.  I understand that they are trying to make me feel better, but it usually doesn't help.  Because when you can not have something of your own it all does not seem so bad.  I love when babies squall and cry.  I find it adorable.  Call me crazy but I do.

I know I can adopt, but usually when I think about it is just makes me sad.  Personally, I don't think I will adopt, but rather work and travel the world for the rest of my life.  I have found that it is difficult to stay in one place for long.  Call it running away if you want, but I know that I will never be able to run away from this.

The other day I was watching a television show that had a baby in it and a couple of hours later as I was driving to work I simply could not stop crying.  People were looking into my car probably wondering why this girl had tears streaming down her face, but I couldn't help it.  Part of me feels weak even mentioning that it gets to me, but it is true.

I know over time the sadness will dull, but that time is not now.

Happy go Lucky

So, I have been on my BHRT for three years now and it is going good!

I actually changed by hormones a little bit in the past two months so now I am on,

My trans-dermal cream of...

1.5mg of C-E2 Estrogen, 200mg of Progesterone, and 2mg of Testosterone (Testosterone Cypionate)

and

100mg of Progesterone taken orally at bedtime.

I have lost more weight so now I'm at around 128lbs!  I also got my BMI (fat) down below 20%!! Yipee

I will post pictures of before and after BHRT later.

Lumps in Breast

So the Lumps are just there...they say they are dense breast tissue, but is dense breast tissue supposed to hurt this bad?

I call my BHRT Dr. and he said the lumps shouldn't be related to my Hormone therapy so if I really want to know what it is; they have to Biopsy my boobs...

I am now at a stand still.

Forgot my BHRT

So it is Monday (Montag) and I forgot my BHRT at home.  That means I am putting it on at 1600.  Should not be too bad since I put it on at 1420 on Saturday and 1230 on Sunday.

Also lined up for today is an Ultrasound of my Left Breast.  I have had a lump in there for the past few days and today I'm going to get a good look at it.

Hormones and Timing

So Lately I have been putting my BHRT on at around 11:00am daily.  Christopher had mentioned how it makes me a little more energetic and happy in the evenings so I decided to give it a try.  I like it.  Usually in the mornings  I put on my BHRT after the shower, but if I don't shower I forget so this actually works out better.

The crappy thing when situations like today arise.  So I forgot to put my BHRT on until 1420 today 2:20pm.  I am working around the house; making sauce, doing laundry, dishes, tidying up, etc and all the sudden I break out into tears.  Hmm,  something must be off. HORMONES  Damn, forgot to put them on.  So I am in the process of  going to grab my BHRT when I get a SMS and forget.

An hour goes by...

And I am on the phone with Christopher while he is away at work.   All the sudden I think of sitting on the couch with him and I start crying again.  Damn I still forgot to put on my BHRT.  So I grab it and run into the bathroom and put it on while I'm on the phone with him.

Now all I have to do is be prepared for my slight hormone imbalance tomorrow and I should be good!

Pictures taken today.

Rare Orchids

Below is a Link to the updated, Rare Orchids AIS-DSD website and support group if anyone wants additional information!

Rare Orchids

On there you can find photos, stories, support group information, etc.

The results are in!

I am healthy!  Blood results are good all the way across the board; I even have good Vitamin D levels which is very surprising.

The amazing thing is that even though I am on a daily dosage of Testosterone, my Testosterone levels have not changed.  I do however feel a cognitive difference with Testosterone.  I feel it makes me a little more analytically with my emotions.  Additionally, it is as if the addition of Testosterone to my brain makes my brain react slower emotionally; allowing myself to rationally decide whether or not something is worth getting upset about.

For example, when I was without Testosterone (Estrogen and Progesterone only) I would emotionally react before I even had time to think about why I was in a sense "freaking out."  The "freak out" or emotional meltdown for me and other persons I have spoken with on the subject is when a person basically panics emotionally allowing multiple emotions to invade your subconscious and conscious mind.  At this point in time your brain does not know which reaction to use and therefore confusing the person and shutting down all logic.  It is not until after the emotional meltdown; that you begin to logically analyze what had just happened before the emotional melt down.

More on the subject to follow