Cold Flashes!!!

Who knew!  Yesterday I forgot to put my meds on till 15:00 or so and the rest of they day I got random cold flashes...Today too!  If I can order these instead of hot flashes, sign me up!

All in all, I have had very few hot flashes as of late.  So that makes me happy.

Blood Draw: Thursday 5th of December 2013

Got my blood drawn today at Dr. Filbeck's and my right arm was not working to well.    Thankfully Christoph was with me, since the last two he was unable to make it due to work, since this blood draw did not go too well.  I started crying after the second vial in my right arm (it hurts so bad and they had to pull on my skin to keep the needle in)  (tapped out after three vials)  So we switched to my left after a minute and the other seven or so were done quickly!  Yay!    Minimal bruising even though they said I would get a hematoma on my right arm...I didn't :)

New Order

So I ordered more of my trans-dermal cream, hormones and supplements.

I am really excited, because I have been working out a ton lately and I need my vitamins!  So I am going to try and remember to take everything everyday!  I really only remember my cream everyday.  Otherwise I can really tell.

Hormones off...

So I found a bottle of my old hormones that I hadn't used in a couple of months (since I had been using the newest ones with less cream) and I decided to use the older bottle.  I figure, might as well use it up.  Plus if I do react weird to the hormones I should be fine.

ERRRR.

Well I did lose a bit of weight, since I had morning sickness.  But other than that my emotions were totally off!  I was crying and freaking out like a wuss it was very unbecoming.

So I guess I won't use old ones any more :/

Sometimes being barren SUCKS!

So it is about that time in my life that most of the women I know are having children while I sit on the sidelines jealous.  I know we live in an unfair world, yada yada yada... but sometimes I just want to cry and yell "It is not fair!"  I feel bad for distancing myself from my friends with children, but honestly I just don't want to start crying in front of their kids.  It usually happens when I get happy around kids that I cry so I have to keep my guard up.  I put up a barrier because I have to.

When people hear about my CAIS they usually try and tell me the hassles of having children which believe me I know, I was a nanny for years and have been working with children for the past 13 years, but I still can not shake the feeling of jealousy.  I understand that they are trying to make me feel better, but it usually doesn't help.  Because when you can not have something of your own it all does not seem so bad.  I love when babies squall and cry.  I find it adorable.  Call me crazy but I do.

I know I can adopt, but usually when I think about it is just makes me sad.  Personally, I don't think I will adopt, but rather work and travel the world for the rest of my life.  I have found that it is difficult to stay in one place for long.  Call it running away if you want, but I know that I will never be able to run away from this.

The other day I was watching a television show that had a baby in it and a couple of hours later as I was driving to work I simply could not stop crying.  People were looking into my car probably wondering why this girl had tears streaming down her face, but I couldn't help it.  Part of me feels weak even mentioning that it gets to me, but it is true.

I know over time the sadness will dull, but that time is not now.

Happy go Lucky

So, I have been on my BHRT for three years now and it is going good!

I actually changed by hormones a little bit in the past two months so now I am on,

My trans-dermal cream of...

1.5mg of C-E2 Estrogen, 200mg of Progesterone, and 2mg of Testosterone (Testosterone Cypionate)

and

100mg of Progesterone taken orally at bedtime.

I have lost more weight so now I'm at around 128lbs!  I also got my BMI (fat) down below 20%!! Yipee

I will post pictures of before and after BHRT later.

Lumps in Breast

So the Lumps are just there...they say they are dense breast tissue, but is dense breast tissue supposed to hurt this bad?

I call my BHRT Dr. and he said the lumps shouldn't be related to my Hormone therapy so if I really want to know what it is; they have to Biopsy my boobs...

I am now at a stand still.