So it is about that time in my life that most of the women I know are having children while I sit on the sidelines jealous. I know we live in an unfair world, yada yada yada... but sometimes I just want to cry and yell "It is not fair!" I feel bad for distancing myself from my friends with children, but honestly I just don't want to start crying in front of their kids. It usually happens when I get happy around kids that I cry so I have to keep my guard up. I put up a barrier because I have to.
When people hear about my CAIS they usually try and tell me the hassles of having children which believe me I know, I was a nanny for years and have been working with children for the past 13 years, but I still can not shake the feeling of jealousy. I understand that they are trying to make me feel better, but it usually doesn't help. Because when you can not have something of your own it all does not seem so bad. I love when babies squall and cry. I find it adorable. Call me crazy but I do.
I know I can adopt, but usually when I think about it is just makes me sad. Personally, I don't think I will adopt, but rather work and travel the world for the rest of my life. I have found that it is difficult to stay in one place for long. Call it running away if you want, but I know that I will never be able to run away from this.
The other day I was watching a television show that had a baby in it and a couple of hours later as I was driving to work I simply could not stop crying. People were looking into my car probably wondering why this girl had tears streaming down her face, but I couldn't help it. Part of me feels weak even mentioning that it gets to me, but it is true.
I know over time the sadness will dull, but that time is not now.
I agree that it sucks not being able to have kids of your own; but you did not do this to yourself, a fluke of genetics did. There are lots of unwanted abandoned or orphaned children in this world, looking for mothers to take them. Adopting a child may not be as satisfying as having one of your own, of getting pregnant, of feeling that fetus growing inside -- but it can come close: with the right hormones and regiment, you can lactate, so if you adopt an infant, you can breastfeed her/him.
ReplyDeleteYou are correct. Ever since I was little my mom always asked me what if you can't have babies? And then slowly told me more and more about adoption. I have always been pro adoption; every now and again I just get hit with a pang of emotional saddness, usually watching a movie or TV show.
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